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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It annoys my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that therapy might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.